Group Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Well they remade the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. By now you probably know what it’s about and all the crap with it so we’ll spare telling you what the film is about. If you want to hear our scene for scene (practically) breakdown then check out this week’s CBMFP/Save It For The Podcast.

Samantha: 0/5

As for the movie, I agree with what every sane person is saying. Megan Fox had to carry this movie, and she couldn’t. The plot doesn’t even make sense because why does Sack’s need the ooze in the first place? Couldn’t he have just released some other type of disease that he had the antidote for instead of betting on his 15-year-old project that went up in flames to have survived and magically be brought the Turtles by his dead partner’s daughter who he has never had contact with? Dumb. Then when it came to the characters it all was bad too. The Turtles sucked, not a surprise. Will Arnett sucked, not a surprise. And why did the audience have to be reminded about Fox’s looks every three seconds? Didn’t she leave Transformers because of Bay over sexuallizing her? Arnett’s attempts were nothing short of pedophilia and Mikey’s attempts were nothing short of rapey (stolen from Dustin). Everything went wrong with this movie.

As for me personally, I saw this movie for the pure fact that non-comic fans would ask me all about it knowing that I am obsessed with TMNT. I didn’t want to let them down by saying I hadn’t it seen it, but now I am left in a bigger conundrum. Now I feel ashamed. Most of the audience for this movie were kids, and how do you gently knock down these kids from wanting to be TMNT fans? I feel like all my Turtle merchandise should say “I love TMNT, but not the new movie” because I feel that much shame being a fan right now.  In the larger scheme of things, I know this movie and the next movie and probably the trilogy will long be forgotten and the Turtles will be remembered for the pure happiness they have brought through the comics, TV, and action figures, but for right now, it stings in my inner core.

Kevin: 1/5

TMNT is the perfect example of “too many hands in the cookie jar” or “just not giving a fuck”. Its story is so stupid and its antagonist so poorly handled its mind-blowing that it made it to screen. This film feels like tons of random scenes were shot and some unlucky asshole was forced to piece them together and make a coherent story. If you can make it through that then you can try to find and experience the Turtles in all their CG greatness and one ugly ass rat in Master Splinter.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few things to enjoy in this movie. Megan Fox keeps her tradition in looking amazing and Mikey does have a few lines that did make me laugh out loud. There are also a few moments in the action were my head nodded in approval. But alas the moments are few and far between and none of it really constitutes paying full price to for a movie that comes off like a Turtle fart joke. 

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-2014-posterDustin: -1,000,000/5 (That's negative one million over five)

I will never watch Into The Storm, in fact I’ve never watched Twister nor the majority of natural disaster movies. I rank natural disaster movies right beside the submarine genre and anything with monkeys. They’re three genres that I absolutely hate. Why am I bringing up Into The Storm? Because that’s the movie I bought a ticket for instead of giving TMNT my money, but I snuck into TMNT. 

To say I hated this movie is an understatement. It’s a bad film and definitely one of the worst I’ve ever seen in my life. The thought of talking about it makes me cringe and the thought of seeing it ever again makes me want to remove both my ears and eyes. Seeing it was one of the worst experiences of my life. The Turtles have had a long legacy, but now they may have reached that Star Wars point in which I walk away.

Since I’ve covered a lot of my hated for how the Turtles look already on the site I’m instead going to focus on April and Shredder.

When Megan Fox was cast as April I think collectively everyone thought “well I guess April O’Neil is just going to be some sexed up damsel” and then they released photos of her jumping on a trampoline. It seems that in spite of what everyone thought they decided to make sure that they gave Fox ample screen time and a bigger role than what was needed for the story. She’s included in everything and very much is the only force that moves the plot forward. It is April O’Neil and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because she has a starring role, not a supporting role as everyone thought. Good for Fox, but bad for audiences as she doesn’t deliver a believable line of dialogue and is constantly out of breath, possibly so that her chest is constantly moving and her lips are always pouty.

The worst part of Megan Fox’s casting is that she’s completely blinded most Turtles fans with her looks. That’s all they care about and so seeing her in any way, shape or form makes for a “good movie” in their minds. Even worse, she attracts the same crowds that like Transformers and we all know that anyone that sees those movies don’t actually like cinema since they continue to give money to a man who hates them.

As for The Shredder… well they heard you internet and they decided “We won’t make the white guy Shredder” but they totally already had. The problem with Shredder is that originally it was a white guy, but after they had already finished they went back and shot three or four scenes in an attempt to make a second Shredder. Of course they didn’t say that they did this because then they’d have to admit that they were wrong and Michael Bay is never wrong right when he battles the nerds that give him money.

The biggest evidence I have of this is when white Shredder finds out that the Turtles are alive and goes to Japanese Shredder and tells him. Japanese Shredder then tells him, “I’ll have my victory and you’ll have your money” or something similar to that. Victory might be the wrong word, but the idea is the same. Tell me… why is Japanese Shredder’s only plan to poison the city? That’s his plan. He’s not going to reveal himself as the man with the cure or anything, he just wants to kill a lot of people and remain unknown… that doesn’t make any sense no matter how delusional the villain. James Bond villains have more of a reason than that. No what I think was the original plan was that white Shredder was going to do everything because that makes sense for his plan. Poison the city and get a lot of money. That’s logical, but when you divide it, it’s not logical.

Don’t even get me started on his super suit that did everything for him and ended up looking nothing like the promo stuff they released. I guess they had to go with a big fucking suit because the Turtles are all nine feet tall practically.

I think Samantha covered my thoughts on Michelangelo being rapey, but my god I fear for the next generation of boys that grow up imitating that.

Also they looked like creepy slug children as kids… I’ll leave you on that and just ask that you stop giving it money.

Director: Jonathan Liebesman Writers: Josh Appelbaum, Evan Daugherty, Andre Nemec Studio: Paramount, Nickelodeon Films and Platinum Dunes Run Time: 101 Mins Release Date: 8/8/14