Review: Action Comics #5

With every reboot there needs to be a retelling of the origin story. Since nobody knows how Superman came to Earth, DC Comics decided to disclose that well-kept secret. Action Comics #5 reveals how Jor-El came to Earth for the sake of the New 52. And it sucked worse than dinner for two at Appleby’s.

I thought Flash was the only book to feature a one-panel appearance of the title character, but obviously I was wrong. I think there’s been a memo sent around the DC offices stating that the company hates their readers so much that it needs to make comics where the title hero doesn’t do dick in the ish. That’s what’s happening in their comics.

Okay, missing Superman aside let me break down why you should vote with your wallet and refuse this shit the way women refuse my pick up lines. The dialogue is clown fucking silly. Red nose and all. Here’s the line spoken by Lara when she sees movement in the Phantom Zone:

Action Comics #5“There are threatening figures emerging through the colorless fog.”

Did George Lucas guest write that drivel? Even worse, Jonathan Kent has been written to sound like a West Virginia guidance counselor:

“Reckon I found me a spaceman.”

This is what passes for a flagship comic? How disappointing.

If you didn’t know, Jor-El rockets to Earth to escape the exploding Krypton. The twist is his space pod is fitted with Brainiac guidance systems. Okay, that’s an interesting addition. If it weren’t in the 3,245 retelling of a tale we all know too well. Later on, a group of mysterious robbers pilfer the Krypton engine.

And Superman doesn’t play any part in this except to lay his hand on the ship that transported him to Earth. If you didn’t feel cheated enough, a pointless short story is tacked on the end where Jonathan and Martha Kent find out that can’t have kids. The episode reminded me of a retarded attempt to copy the movie Up and try to evoke some emotion out of the readers. It worked. I felt angry.

These books aren’t doing anything special to hold-off the inevitable death of the comic book industry. In fact, they are speeding up the process.

Score: 1/5

Writer: Grant Morrison Artist: Andy Kubert Publisher: DC Comics Price: $3.99