Review: Vampirella/Army of Darkness #2

I did this to myself.  Ultimately, when I look back on the pain and misery this book makes me feel I have nobody to blame but me.  I saw it on the call sheet, I requested it and I read it.  TWICE!  But I wanted to see if they would redeem the wretchedness of the last issue with some kind of brilliant twist.  They did not, instead they plot magic’d Vampirella and made her normal again where she proclaimed her allegiance against the Deadites.  Ash is still a misogynistic jerk and Vampirella is a cardboard cutout.  I think all the research that went into finding Ash’s character and voice was perhaps done by watching a music video featuring clips from the Evil Dead movies.  I can’t imagine how anyone could get the character this wrong unless they either knew nothing about the character or picked up on all the wrong things about the character.  One panel he’s saying something totally not funny, the next he’s pushing a woman back into her room by the ass, the next he’s totally serious, the next a coward, the next a bad-ass and the next he’s Dynamite’s answer to Deadpool.  As a character, tonally, he’s all over the place.  Who is this person?  There’s very little consistency and what is consistent is loathsome. My honest to god hope was this asshole pretending to be Ash was going to be murdered in panel one of this issue with Vampirella taking on the Ash role against the Deadites.  Maybe even dress her in the Ash outfit, there’s a little more dignity in a button down denim shirt and a pair of brown corduroy’s.  She could have drank his blood and taken on aspects of his personality.  Ash’s love interest in the first issue is clearly repelled by him so maybe with Vampirella toning down Ash’s personality the two of them fall in love or something, anything else.  All that would have been at least interesting to see and then she could go up against Evil Ash so you still have the Ash/Vampirella dynamic.  As it is it kind of feels like we have Evil Ash as our protagonist.  He is stupid and belittling and entirely unlikable.  Vampirella, looking and acting somewhat like Ash while wielding a chainsaw would at least be something kind of new.  This isn’t new and if it could be categorized as new then it’s just vomit.  New vomit is still just vomit.

Army of Darkness Vampirella #2The book tries for humor in a couple of spots and while those moments may have worked in a better written book I hate everything that’s going on so much that I just can’t find them funny.  The comedic action is a bit of a double edged sword in that with no dialogue and large panels full of ‘humor’ the book flies by.  A good third of this book is just panels of ‘comedic action’ so you can cruise through it without having to be bogged down by pesky things like ‘story’, ‘plot’ or ‘characterization’.  This is a good thing if you’ve volunteered to read and review it and you just want the pain to end.  It’s kind of a bad thing if you paid $4 for an entertaining experience because there is not $4 of entertainment here.

I liken reading this book to taking a dump after you’ve held it in too long.  Like the urge wasn’t great enough to interrupt your work day so you just held onto it until you got home.  Then you ate and changed and finally you decide “Alright, I need to just make time to handle this.” Because while it’s not urgent you can’t really sit comfortably or go to sleep.  So you go to take this dump and it’s just built up around the middle from compressing against your back door all day and it starts easy but quickly becomes painful and suddenly it feels like all the air has been driven out of your body through your asshole and you can’t breathe to catch it again.  You’re face twists in agony, your hands reach out to grab something because you feel your whole being may be sucked into the toilet by the force of this one shit.  Then you push and your eyes tear and you feel a moment of indescribable pain and then it’s done.  You’ve passed a log of shit the size of your arm, sideways, and the relief that washes over you, nothing has ever felt as good as you not passing that massive crap.  You catch your breath, smile and you sleep.  You sleep the sleep of the just.  This book is that shit, nothing feels as good as finally being done with it.  Don’t read this book.

Score: 1/5

Vampirella/Army of Darkness #2 Writer: Mark Rahner Artist: Jett Morales Colorist: Morgan Hickman Publisher: Dynamite Entertainment Price: $3.99 Release Date: 8/12/15 Format: Mini-Series; Print/Digital