A Brief Comic Book History of Captain America and The Avengers

The story of Captain America and the Avengers starts first with Captain America. The original Captain America, before later being revealed that he was technically the second Captain America, was a scrawny dude named Steve Rogers. He was rejected by the military over and over, but he was all like, “I love my country and stuff.” Some whack ass scientist that had defected from Germany during the second world war took pity on his ass and was like, “I’m going to make you so strong you’ll be like a god solider… no a super solider.” kirby-capnThis happens, but because it was convenient to the story they killed the scientist so that Steve could be the only one. He started beating the shit out of the Nazi’s, but just couldn’t finish off the war and shit bags like the Red Skull and like nine generations of the Zemo family. Eventually the Nazi’s launched a missile towards the States. Captain America and Bucky, his forever dead to me sidekick, jumped on the missile and were like, “Hell no, we won’t go.”

Well Bucky lost his arm and fell into the ocean later to be ruined by Ed Brubaker. Captain America rode that fucking thing down into the lapping waves of whatever ocean you want to pretend is nearby this scenario. This all happened because Marvel editors were like, “shit man… it’s the sixties and this dude is still fighting fucking Nazi’s and trying to win World War II or some shit.”

So they froze his ass to have the Avengers find him in their fourth issue back in 1964 (Side note, even though he was gone for like a decade Marvel has forever used the “Man out of Time” storyline for him). Really Iron Man was just looking for some rich guy eccentric ice cubes and found Captain America floating around in the world’s largest strawberry daiquiri which DQ’d him from entering the Guinness Book of World Records: Annoying Rich Guy Edition.

91t1OzI52uLSpeaking of money, there are many cool online games such as: Captain America online slot games and others that feature the Avengers and Captain America characters. This was after Loki, a then unpopular and pretty shit character decided he would for some fucking reason go around and piss off all the heroes individually until they joined up and beat his ass.

Why he thought to himself, “I better mess with that dude that controls ants and the woman that stings like a wasp, but designs clothes like a diva”, is beyond anyone’s scope of knowledge. Loki at this point became a forever punching bag since he couldn’t be killed and they could just beat his ass after whatever lame filler story he was in came to pass. Eventually the bright bulbs at Marvel realized that they had a Batman/Superman situation going on, but instead of their Red/White and Blue good guy becoming best friends with their Playboy, genius billionaire good guy, they decided they should never really be friends and kind of war all the time because Thor was always cooler to hang out with.

2464638-avengers004This brought about the Civil War in which you rooted for Captain America because Iron Man was a dick and cloned Thor and that was cool until he killed Goliath (who they’ve never brought back I might add) and then at the end Captain America was getting beat up by firemen, EMT’s and police men because he was out of fucking control. Suddenly he was wrong, but it didn’t matter because Ed Brubaker was waiting in the wings to take that motherfucker out! More stuff happened and now Captain America is just some old dude whose personality somehow aged when his body magically did overnight. He no longer understands what “kids are talking about” or this “rap music” and don’t even get him started on Trap music, that will give him the worse gas he’s had since eating left over rations from the 50s.

He learned the hard way that you can never go home again. Iron Man on the other hand had his origin completely changed so that he went to college in the 80s and this one fundamental change has revamped the entire Marvel Universe’s timeline, but no one seems to care because he might get to drink again without it being included in a major crossover… involving Nazis. As for the rest of the Avengers, they change like the wind so good luck keeping up with them.

For the record, Steve Rogers aka Captain America II, has dated/made it with more beautiful women than the rest of the Marvel Universe. This includes Iron Man who once dated Madam Masque… there isn’t enough booze in the world to explain that one, but dating two generations of Carters; that’s just classy.