Hey I know there are a lot of Marvel Cinematic Universe fans out there that don't read comics so I'm going to help you all out and tell you what you need to know before seeing Avengers: Age of Ultron for the fourth of fifth time this weekend. You're probably thinking, I know enough, I saw Guardians of the Galaxy and stayed until the end to see that duck guy that George Lucas once touched inappropriately with his cinematic hands, but really you don't know shit of what I'm about to tell you. Ready? You're not fucking ready. You're probably reading this on a phone in line to see it a second time because your old ass fell asleep during the midnight showing, but you couldn't admit it to your co-workers this morning so when they talked about spoilers you just let them. By the way no spoilers other than you really need to read this article before seeing the movie. Now you're ready.
Number 1
This is a hulk.
Don't ask where he gets those pants from, but let's just say America's obesity problem has him covered.
Number 2
This is a Hulk-Buster.
Now you're probably like, why's everyone got to bust on Hulk? He said my favorite line from the last movie. I quoted the shit out of it and even made it a twitter meme. Well you know that guy that you're okay with at work, but you fucking know he snags shit from people's lunches because he spends all his money on booze and can't afford to live like an adult-- i.e. have money for food. Well the Hulk is kind of like that and Iron Man has had his Zingers snatched one too many times.
Number 3
This is a Quicksilver.
This is also a Quicksilver.
This one is in the movie.
This one stole your heart last summer for about five seconds and made you forget you were watching a Brian Singer X-Men movie.
This is Jubilee and Jean Grey in the 80s... it has nothing to do with this movie, but you can see the Marvel takes their movies seriously whereas Fox watched a bunch of those 90s gap commercials when they were feeling all nostalgic and decided they'd retcon that shit into the X-Men. Thanks Murdoch!
Number 4
This is the Scarlett Witch.
Last year she was married to Quicksilver.
No this one.
Now they're brother and sister... this is why Hollywood is weird and no one likes to touch anything when they go over to a star's house because it could have been used for some sexual act and purposely not cleaned so they can get a laugh out of you touching it...
Which isn't too far off from the comic book...
Number 5
This is a robot named Ultron.
He's a dick and he likes to keep track of his operating system.
This is a robot named Vision.
Let's be honest, he's kind of a dick too.
Sometimes they're brothers, sometimes they're father and son, but really they're always the shittiest thing about the Avengers.
Number 6
Everyone agrees there's not enough Black Widow merchandise and that she needs her own movie.
Everyone.
Why the fuck does Hulk need to tell Marvel this on Twitter? Doesn't he have their number?
Wait a minute... you're telling me that this super realistic toy that retails for just over $200's isn't for children... okay, we do have a problem.
Number 7
People hate odd-numbered lists and really you don't need to know jack about the movie before seeing it and if you miss the Easter Eggs while watching it then they weren't for you or someone on the internet will explain them in a list... Thanks for reading "Everything You Didn't Think You Needed To Know Before Seeing Avengers: Age of Ultron"