Review: Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #11

Don’t let the Titanosaurus cover fool you. The disco-icon dinosaur from Terror of Mechagodzilla doesn’t show up here. What happens in this penultimate issue? Shit gets real sleepy.

Godzilla has been Terry Schiavoed by Mechagodzilla. King Ghidorah lays there responsive as my ex-girlfriend during lovemaking. And those French twin fairies come riding in on Battra and Rodan.

godzilla11The twins want to control Godzilla. But nobody controls the King of the Monsters. Nobody…

When the twins try to revive Godzilla at a nuclear power plant, Big G turns on them. One blast of blue atomic breath later and those twin frogs are croacking surrender faster than Glass Joe in the first round of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on the NES. Godzilla and Battra duke it out in a slobber knocker that made Starcade ’97 look like Halloween Havoc ’01.

Battra uses her kegel exercise eye beams as Thunder Thighs uses his atomic breath. The ensuing blast from the battle knocks out both contenders.

And from the Fap-star One, an orbiting satellite designed to beam late-night Cinemax softcore porn knock-offs of major motion pictures commandeered to spy on the battling kaiju, the human race sees the monsters have knocked each other out. “…The ground has stopped shaking,” reads the caption.

And that’s where I got madder than Alec Baldwin during takeoff. Issue 11 of a 12 issue run should not end with giant monsters sleeping and dreaming how great it would be for a porn version of Forest Gump to be made called Sorest Rump. Tage line: “If I was going anywhere, I was cum-ming…”

Damnit, you end this book with all the monsters ready to duke it the fuck out like the ending of The Warriors. Instead, I got Marley and Me.

So we start the issue with Godzilla unconscious, and we end it the same way. Didn’t anyone fucking proofread this script before putting it into production?

This issue is a letdown compared to the previous stories in the series. There had better be one big pajama-jammie jam to finish this arc off. Otherwise, I will file all IDW Godzilla books in the same low-opinion folder as those shitty Transformer books. You know, the ones with all the talking and no transforming action.

What a disappointment.

Score: 1/5

Writer: Jason Ciaramella Pencils: Victor Santos Publisher: IDW Publishing Price: $3.99 Release Date: 1/25/11