By Dustin Cabeal
Dental records? Anyone, anyone… dental records? I mean we’re basing this in the modern era, and you’re telling me that no one’s first thought is to see if the rich kid has dental records still? Fuck me this show is stupid. It’s not just the dental records, but the fact that it’s now wasted two episodes establishing if Danny is really Danny.
The way they finally prove it is going to make you shout dental records at your TV/tablet or phone… really wherever you’re streaming this unless you found a pirated copy which just seems like a lot of work to go through.
I’m just going to tell you what the two ways are because again, the episode is almost 62 minutes long and there’s only one cool thing that happens and four things total that are worth mentioning. Danny proves his Danny to the doctor in charge of his case by providing details about what they did as a family after shooting a commercial for Rand Industries back in the 90s. They look legit 90s by the way, so good on the wardrobe for pulling that off. Then he remembers teachers he had when he was homeschooled 15 years ago. That wins over the doctor. At this point, I should have already mentioned that he’s in the nuthouse and there’s a mafia dude there, and a guy tried to kill him… and then befriended him. They did answer my passport question, but a good follow-up would have been, “how’d you get enough money for a fake passport when you were studying martial arts in another dimension?” But hey, the devil is in the details am I right?
The second thing involves Joy, who’s only role in the story has been to say “is that Danny?” over and over and has not been established as a character but is simply “future love interest.” She sends Danny an open bag of M&M’s as a test. Before I continue, I would like to point out that during the 90’s there were several times in which the colors of M&M’s were changing and being voted on, so I don’t particularly put much stock into this sequence of events, but again… the devil is in the details. I also want to note that either Mars, the owner of M&M’s, either paid to have their product placed on the show or rich people buy in bulk from Costco as well. Joy has an entire cabinet of two-pound bags of M&M’s in her office. What, in the serious, fuck is that about Joy? Are you that boss, the “have some candy” boss? Huh? Pushing candy on everyone else while you maintain your figure! Fuck you Joy! Danny sends back the M&M’s after removing all the brown ones because as kids they wouldn’t eat the brown M&M’s and only they knew it, love is in the air.
At this point, let me remind you that mother fucking dental records could have cleared all of this up. Unfortunately, there’s still one more, dumb fucking thing to clear up, and it’s a doozy.
The not dead father visits Danny in the hospital while he’s drugged. Why? He wants to ask him the questions the doctor hasn’t been. Which is a freebie moment of exposition so that Danny can explain it to the audience. This scene makes no sense because he reveals himself and after the conversation decides he wants to keep Danny as some kind of leverage. Though he doesn’t know what the Hand are, nor does he seem to have any inkling of the rest of the goings-on in New York City or the other Marvel Netflix shows. The only cool thing, which has a downside as well, is that when he returns to his penthouse someone has written “Where Did You Go?” on his window, way the fuck up on the top floor, signed by… a hand print. The problem is that he only looks at this, tries to wipe it off and never says or does anything about it. A man in hiding, with top security and he, doesn’t freak the fuck out at this… okay, I guess… his character is rather inconsistent… or something.
I wish I were done, but there was one other really, incredibly stupid thing about this episode and Ward of all characters, points it out, but then the story continues anyway. Danny manages to call Colleen and Ward and Ward’s Daddy catch wind of this. Ward’s Daddy sends him to talk to her to see what she knows. Ward points out that an underling should do it, but Daddy says no. Why? So, that Colleen will trust Danny and believe his story of the Meachum’s coming after him… it's incredibly stupid and convenient to the story but also weakens the villains. At this point, they’re bumbling idiots, and it’s hard to believe they’re running some shadow op of their own business.
I fully acknowledge that this review is just ripping the shit out of this episode, but when you put for 62 minutes of bullshit that could have been answered by dental records and failed to A) build the plot in any way that mattered and B) develop the characters, then this is what you get. I had hoped the second episode would be better than the first, but it was worst. I now regret giving the first episode a 1/5 because that honor should have gone to this episode. I’ll see you for my third review after my rage subsides enough to watch it.
Iron First E.02 – “Shadow Hawk Takes Flight”
Now streaming on Netflix