Review: Terminator/Robocop: Kill Human #1

This ticket, it prints right from my ass, Enjoy. What do you get when you put two of Sci-Fi’s most legendary properties in one massive balls to the wall epic ass blistering adventure? I don’t know, but I can imagine. But the worst part is Dynamite doesn’t know either…no I’m serious; if this issue is any indication they really don’t have a clue.

Sometime in the future, a trio of survivors run from the over whelming presence of the machines. It takes at least five seconds for Taylor to get killed right in front of Lauren and Desean. So they high tail it and make it to a Skynet stronghold. Their desperate plan, to hack it and hope all the answers to stop Skynet lies inside. Desean proves he’s worthy by holding off a horde of T-800 with a 9mm for five seconds. Meantime Laure hacks the door and gets inside just in time to watch Desean die.

Once inside, Lauren discovers that it’s a MUSEUM of technology that Skynet has constructed for some dumb reason. Tons of clear boxes cover different types of mechanical weapons of destruction from the past. She looks around for a weapon and discovers Robocop’s hand gun in a display case. With a couple of button mashes the case pops open. Lauren grabs the gun just in time to have a T-800 grab her neck from behind. Then BAM Robocop crushes the T-800 and bails Lauren out of danger. Bewildered, Robo starts asking questions and wants to know what’s going on. She gives him some half-ass explanation on how Skynet is running shit now and everything screwed. Not feeling her answer Robo hacks into the museum’s computer and frees ED-209 to help thin out the T-800s. While in mists of his hack, Skynet takes over Robo and has him do the unthinkable.

Jesus Christ this book is stupid. The crap starts right from the second you pick the book up. The covers will blow your mind. One cover has Robocop holding up a parking ticket with bullet holes in it. What? Since when did Robocop give parking tickets? Even when Robo’s prime directives were compromised by OCP he didn’t write tickets. Why are there bullet holes in the ticket? Did someone give him the ticket and Robo was like, “Fuck your ticket shithead, I’m Robocop.” The second cover has a T-800 holding a smoking human skull. Okay whatever, you pulled the skull out of a fire and that’s why it’s smoking but when did T-800 collect skulls as trophies? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. The third and hands down the worst cover of this tri-force of crap. This one has Robo and a T-800 together as they share the same sight line. Why does the T-800 have human teeth? So why can you see the T-800 red eye through Robo’s visor? What the hell? Since when could anything seen past it? Unless is broken open. Does Robo have a hole in his face letting the light pass through? Man, this is one shitty cover.

Look at those pretty pouty lips...and yellow teeth?

I’m not even going to talk about the interior art, because no matter how good or bad it could be, the story by written by Rob Williams (Punisher MAX: Get Castle, Ghost Rider) lets loose a big load of diarrhea all over it. Here are a few examples of said shit factor. Okay so the known “last humans” come up with a desperate dumbass plan to take over a Skynet Hanger/warehouse without knowing what it is or what could be inside. Dumb. Turns out it’s a museum; why does artificial intelligence need to keep physical representation of out dated tech when they could just archive the digital schematics of whatever they wanted? Come on, that makes no sense. Lauren hacked Robo’s gun case not his case. Why did his case open? Robo is partially human, how can he just break out of a display case that he’s been in for “generations” and start moving around. He needs his baby food and OCP charging station to do anything. So in the case, they kept Robo’s gun loaded? When the T-800 grabs Lauren’s neck, why didn’t he just kill her then or even shoot her? How can Robo use his hacking spike on a Skynet design computer? That spike is only made for him to access OCP crime files. So you’re telling me that Skynet thought that primitive one use fucking technology was such a good idea that they’d install it and use it only in a place where the guy using the only hack spice ever made is being kept and as museum piece??!!!! I understand the desire for fan service but that just the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever read in a comic ever and I read Marvel’s Shadowland. We won’t even talk about how Robo got ED-209 to appear right behind them in the matter of seconds to light up a wave of T-800s; or how Robo has and runs on one of the easiest OS in the world to hack.

The part that blows my mind is that Dynamite didn’t have to really do anything to make a rad story here. It’s fucking Robocop!! He’s an amazing property on his own and then you spring for the Terminator!!! Hell, a twelve year old could write a story that can kick ass from this. Save your money and don’t buy this, give the money to a bum, at least you know he’ll buy booze with it.

Score - 0/5