By Dustin Cabeal
Welcome to my end of the year movie list. Later today you'll get the Anime, and Comic list so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, this is the worst of list for movies. By no means did I see every bad movie and I could have filled this is a lot of obvious choices, but I stuck to a lot of nerdom or personally offensive "movies." You can find the Best Movies of 2017 list by click here.
5. Alien: Covenant
There were a lot of shitty movies this year and some of them I didn’t get to. Others are going to appear on other lists as easy picks, like Mother and so I didn’t want to go with super obvious choices. When it’s universally hated, I think that’s good enough, and so I didn’t want to miss other turds floating around waiting to be flushed. Which brings me to Alien: Covenant. A film I was looking forward to only to end up asking myself if I had already seen this fucking movie… wasn’t it called Prometheus? I’m super over Fassbender by the way, I almost put two of his movies on this list, but The Snowman just barely missed out, but just now it’s sitting nearby.
This movie didn’t do shit. The villain sucked. There’s a huge jump in time from the last movie to this one, and it makes you wonder why it was included. The only exciting parts of the movie are explained to us with flashbacks and narration which is lazy ass storytelling. Not only did it feel like we’ve seen this done and done better, but it made me not want to watch any more Alien movies because they’re just going to go for the same small numbers horror slasher formula and it’s not working anymore. Now that Disney owns this shit, I don’t have any interest in seeing what they water it down with. This movie was boring more than it was offensive and it was very offensive with how poorly it treated an amazing franchise.
Of all the things to remake, Flatliners seems like a weird choice. Granted, the low budget appeal is probably why it got made, but then to not populate it with big names like the original and worse, to not pick a goddamn genre for the film made it a recipe for failure. An hour into this film and they were still killing themselves. There’s no character development and the character that starts it all doesn’t even have a satisfying conclusion to her story. Instead, the second shittest character takes us to the end of the film in which no repercussions are had, and they just get drinks in a bar like, “meh, we learned our lessons… let’s drink!” No one fucking cared about this lazy, shitty movie that couldn’t decide if it was a thriller or a “boo gotcha” horror movie. One thing for sure, it’s a horrible movie.
3. Dark Tower
Stephen King has said that he doesn’t care about the adaptations because he’s curious to see what they’ll do with them. I doubt he enjoyed this one as he probably wondered if anyone involved in the making of the movie read the books at all. Hell, if they had even read the goddamn comic books they might have made a better movie. I’m not going to sit here and tell you what they missed and got wrong; you can google that. Instead, I’ll tell you that this is what happens when you don’t properly gauge or develop a franchise. They took a book series and crammed it into one film. It’s not worth the time, and there’s nothing remotely cool about the action or cinematics. Maybe someone else will try again in five years when Sony folds.
2. Ghost in the Shell
There was this time on the internet and on TV in which people were still like, “Wow, fucking anime check this shit out.” And every time they talked about anime they had this clip package that was practically the same. In that clip package was five scenes from Ghost in the Shell that were used over and over. The film version of the anime is essentially those five scenes loosely threaded together with a “story.” Scarlett acts her ass off in this movie, but the material she has to work with is so damn weak that it’s amazing she didn’t just quit the film or ask for script approval. The movie sucked, and you can read my full review on its suckiness, but just know that they steal Beat’s own shots in this movie, which was just sad and painful to see.
1. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
My number two pick nearly had the top spot, but what put Valerian over was ten minutes of aliens shaking goddamn hands! Oh, American’s can’t appreciate your art, Luc Besson? Where’s the art in ten minutes of handshaking? What's the symbolism I'm missing exactly? Becuase we never fucking saw those aliens again! I got the point in thirty seconds and could have shortened that to get the point across and be interesting at the same time, but fuck me for “not getting it” huh? The movie took an hour to reveal its plot, and the sad part is that it’s so terribly constructed that you can’t even figure it out beforehand. You have to suffer through it to figure it out. Then there’s the terrible love story that’s weirdly forced in there like we have some history with these two characters… we don’t, so I don’t know why they talk about their past so much like we do. Valerian is 100% trying to be The Fifth Element, but without any of the charm, restraint or skilled actors to accompany it. What’s worse is that it has ruined my interest in reading the comics that inspired it, mostly in fear that the main character is as unlikable as the one in the movie.