Well the Holidays are in full swing, so what better time to talk about horror comics! Did you know that Topps used to publish comic books? Yep, the very same Topps that became famous for their baseball cards (and shitty gum) did a comic book run from ’93 to ’98.They had a few different, mostly licensed crap-ass titles (they were pulling a Dynamite before Dynamite), but the only title I give a shit about is a three part mini by the name of Jason verses Leatherface. The next Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on Friday the 13th! So before we get started, I'm sorry to this to ya'...kinda of.
Book One: Goin’ South
As Jason Voorhees rots at the bottom of Camp Crystal lake, a fortune 500 company pumps its toxic waste into it. After a few indictments the company moves their operation to Mexico. Now to get the environmentalist off their back, they dredge and empty the lake. So all of the trash, including Jason, gets shipped off to a train, then off to who in the hell knows where. On the train ride to the dumping ground, Jason busts out of his steel crap canister and kills everyone on the train, including a homeless bastard and his dog (funny). The train derails and explodes leaving Jason in the great state of Texas, right in Leatherface’s backyard.
Meanwhile, a terrified young man runs through the forest trying to avoid Leatherface and yelling for mercy, unfortunately for him he runs into Jason, who cleaves his head in half. Seconds later, Jason meets the young man’s pursuers, Leatherface and his brother Hitchhiker, they all give each other the once over and Jason and Leatherface do the man dance with machetes and chainsaws. After a sad display from both, once they realize they’ll all into killing dumb-ass teenagers, Hitchhiker invites Jason home for dinner.
Book Two: A Day in the Life
Well now that Jason and LF (Leatherface) are fully fledged BFFs, Jason crashes over at LF’s place and the “Cook” gives Jason the okay to stay for dinner. In the middle of dinner, a family squabble takes place sending Jason into flashback mode when his father slapped his ass around for being a little deformed kid…After the nickel tour around the LF's crib and a little more proof of how crazy the LF family really are Jason and the boys head out and kill some random people. Back home, Hitcherhiker tries to show off some sweet corpse furniture and silly ol’ LF sits in one of the pieces. Stupid LF, it’s not real fucking furniture. Nevertheless another dysfunctional family moment takes place and Jason flashes back to a bad freak filled childhood and this somehow stops him from killing Hitchhiker for slapping LF around. We have a monster with a moral compass.
Book Three: Face Off
This is it; this is where the shit hits the fan, the brawl for it all. No, not really, it’s one of the age old fanboy conundrums. When you have two major franchises trying to “one up” each other nothing ever happens the way you want it. No one is really happy, your favorite won’t win or it looks like someone won…kind of? This outing is no exception, Jason looses because the LF family tag teams him and for some reason, Jason has shared a deep connection with LF---being abused as a child has really stuck with him, or so the writer would leave you to believe. In the end the LF family dumps Jason in a lake and leaves him for dead. But alas Jason frees himself and doesn’t retaliate against the family, he starts walking back home to Crystal Lake.
Sigh, these books were pretty shit and would explain why Topps gave up on the comic game. The art was corny and the writing was worse, please let me read about a neutered Jason walking around with daddy issues. Sounds like a blast. I feel like there should of been a lot more anger towards these pieces of poop but it was really just more pitiful than anything. It was hard to keep up the energy to really rip into them. But on the bright side these two horror juggernauts have other comic adventures by other publishers and I have them all! Duh-Du-Duh
Score: WTF