Review: X-Men: Apocalypse

I’ve never called out someone else’s review in one of my reviews before. It’s tacky and pointless, but when you’re the only quote on the movie box, and you’ve dubbed this movie, “One of the coolest superhero movies of the decade”; I have to wonder what fucking movie you watched. To quickly sum up what you can expect from this film: everything Bryan Singer has ever done in an X-Men movie. The buildup is the same, the pacing the same. The really bad attempts at comedy… sadly still there.

Here’s how it goes: He builds up the threat of the villain. He also uses this moment to explain why Apocalypse hasn’t been around. He’s been buried, and no sunlight has hit him. After the villain moment, we check in with our main characters that have all been scattered. Magneto has a family, Mystique is saving mutants, Charles is running a big ass school. Apocalypse is woken up by Moria who returns in this film; she lets the sun in and this finishes whatever stupid excuse of a transfer Apocalypse was doing.

Let’s pause and talk about his powers. He can transfer his mind to other bodies. In that body, he then takes that power and all powers transfer with him. Some real bullshit. Of the powers he has, healing factor, some shit with sand and either turning off or turning up a mutant’s powers. Though don’t focus on the “turning off” part because that only happens once and then he forgets he can do it. Wait, wait… at the end he makes fire. If it’s convenient to the story, he can do it.

We do another round of “who’s that character” as we meet the new/young versions of the old X-Men characters. Apparently, Cyclops is a risk taking dickhead now.

Magneto’s family gets killed because he saves a human’s life, this makes him go a bit crazy, and the world starts looking for him again. Interestingly enough, the even from Days of Future Past is brought up, but not show. I say that because Singer uses clips from First Class more than a couple of times towards the end.

Apocalypse lives, he finds Storm. She gets to talk for one of her two scenes. They somehow find Caliban who is nothing like the comic character. He’s also in a completely different country, but Storm knows about him somehow. They pick up Psylocke, who gets one of her two speaking appearances as well and head off to find Angel. Etc, etc., they get Magneto.

Stuff happens. Xavier is kidnapped. The main characters are all kidnapped, and we watch a long helicopter scene showing them going into Canada to connect the old X-Men movies and the Wolverine movies. Blah, blah, X-Men save Xavier and we tease the Phoenix yet again.

It should be pointed out that Magneto more than likely kills hundreds of thousands, if not more, of innocent people around the globe simultaneously. No one bats an eye and Xavier welcomes him with open arms. There’s even a news blurb saying he helped defeat the bad guy… even though the bad guy was just trying to get mind powers while Magneto destroyed the planet. The thing that annoys me is that since First Class everyone has had a hard-on for Fassbender and so now we have to try and redeem Magneto rather than just have him be a fucking villain. It’s sadly the same in the comics. Yes, he’s a cool character, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be protected when he does evil shit.

Aside from the fact that there’s no consequences to the film's actions, my biggest problem was all the terribly fitting dialogue that tied into removed scenes. “I want to go to the Mall.” And then we see them coming out of a movie theater having watched Return of the Jedi and making a meta-joke about how the third one always sucks. Way to make sure that happened Singer.

Slow clap for Bryan Singer.

There’s a ton of examples throughout the movie, but I’m just going to tell you one and co-credit this part to Patrick Larose as well since he was thinking the same thing. At the end, Storm walks up to Quicksilver and says, “So he’s your dad? You gonna tell him?” and when there’s a pause of “how did you fucking know that?” she adds, “Mystique told me.”

What?

No, seriously what?

WHAT?

Why would anyone share such deep and personal information to someone they were fighting two fucking minutes ago!?! They shared a plane ride together, and now Storm is just like, “Hey fast dude, is that your dad? What do you think about all the people he killed? My friends included, even though we never saw them again, but they were ground zero when he made a big fucking pyramid.”

There’s no heart to this film. Xavier gives Moria her memories back, and she doesn’t slap him. If someone takes your fucking memories, you fucking slap them when you get them back because that is some evil fucked up shit.

That brings me to why Singer references First Class so much in this film. He piggybacks on a lot of the groundwork done in that film, and it’s all the emotion moments because he doesn’t know how to make those as a writer or director. There’s no heartfelt moments here. You don’t pity or feel for any of the characters. Even when the other mutants are calling Jean Grey a freak, you don’t care because he squashes it with dialogue from Cyclops about him feeling sorry for himself. Even Quicksilver debating about telling Magneto he’s his father is completely drained of emotion because Singer can’t bring out an emotion performance for Evans.

This film is in love with its destruction. It’s in love with the improved computer graphics. It’s in love with the big name stars attached to it. The problem is, it’s forgotten how to tell a compelling story and with all the other superhero movies out there, it’s not exactly breaking in new stars either. It’s unfortunately just a formula film from a director that was never that great at the formula and has taken sixteen years too perfect. Meanwhile, we’ve all moved on. No one wants to see your slightly better than X-Men movie, because, like that film, the graphics weren’t the problem.

Before I close out, I want to mention the special features which included a PSA about smoking. That is exactly as it sounds, not something related to the X-Men in the least bit. The gag reel wasn't funny. It was people having fun at work, but not funny. It's 8 minutes long and you can probably watch it on YouTube so just do that. As for the rest of the "X-tras" (get it?), they are worthless as all other home release extras so don't bother.

I only watched this because it was given to me for review. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have watched it. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had turned it down because it didn’t even look like the X-Men up on the screen to me. It was just big name actors and bad cosplay with a lot of computer graphics laid out to look like a movie. It’s not, though. It’s just a series of events happening. It’s a franchise that’s more interested in teasing elements of one of Marvel’s deepest wells; then it is actually telling the stories that make that well worth going to. Hopefully, this shit will get another reboot, but if Singer is attached in any way, shape or form, I won’t even bother.

Not only is this not one of the coolest superhero movies of the decade, but it's also hands down the worst superhero movie I’ve seen since X-Men Days of Future Past.

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X-Men: Apocalypse Director (if you can call it directing): Bryan Singer Writers: Simon Kinberg, Bryan Singer, Michael Dougherty, Dan Harris Studio: Fox Run Time: 144 min

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Review: Bloodivores E.01

If you have any interest in this series, don’t bother watching this first episode. It’s the type of first episode which is more of a self-contained story and is being used to poorly set up the next episode which will be what the show really is about. There are only three details that you need from this episode, and I’m willing to bet money that at least two, if not all three will be mentioned in the second episode. The first detail is that “Bloodivores” are people with a genetic mutation due to the side effect of a drug that cured some unnamed disease. If they don’t get blood, like a vampire, they go crazy and will attack people, like a vampire. Our main character is framed for murder along with his three friends and sentenced to death which is faked. Even if you buy it for a minute the preview next time, along with basic logic, tells you that they’ll be alive and fighting monsters or some shit.

The final piece of info is that our main character is a “cross-bred” and was once called the “Child of Peace.” His father runs the agency that more than likely framed him and sent him to kill monsters and the dude’s mom is possibly still alive and out there somewhere… doing something. It’s left vague because I’m sure that when this was created it didn’t have everything outlined and so that was left vague in case it fit the story later.

There’s nothing charming about this episode. The main character comes across as being “too cool” and not the wrestlers. Then he has his coolness turned back on him, and it deflates anything that was developing with his character. The other three characters are useless and do nothing to the story other than act as plot devices.

I completely understand what this first episode was trying to do. It was trying to establish the world and explain the “rules” of the world. It then also worked to establish a backstory with mystery for our “chosen one” main character. The part that didn’t work and ultimately hurt the episode the most was the fake death at the end. How could anyone possibly believe that a show is going to spend the entire time setting up these characters only to kill them and start over again with the next episode? This isn’t my first rodeo, and so it was a very obvious stunt, and I didn’t even need to see the “next time” clip to know how it would turn out.

What was even stranger about the “next time” clip was the fact that all the men were still in prison clothes, but the women were in normal semi-revealing clothes. I guess that’s what will bring some people back, but fighting monsters and trying to survive while having to drink blood isn’t the most original or interesting idea. If perhaps this had been a stronger story, written tighter and with art and designs that didn’t feel recycled, then maybe I would check it out again. As it stands, I won’t be bothering with more of Bloodivores, which has one positive, I don’t have to type the silly name ever again.

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Bloodivores E.01 – “Bloodivores Official Website

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Unboxing: Loot Anime – September 2016

Got it on the last day! Still, counts right? First off, had a minor mess up in the middle of the video. Sorry, probably won't do it this way again because as you'll see, I didn't have the camera aimed where I fucking thought I did for about half the video. I will say, this is probably the best Loot Crate/Loot Anime I've gotten. If my brother wasn't a Bleach fan, I would have kept everything, but otherwise, I'm happy with what I got. I hope there's more like it in the future. Also, here's a picture of the watch since I didn't want to fuck with it while recording.

Review: Brooklyn Nine-Nine S4 E.01 “Coral Palms – Part-1”

I only have one friend that watches this show which is a damn shame. It is one of the funniest shows on TV and the only other comedy besides Modern Family that makes me laugh like a raving idiot. To put it plainly, I loved this episode. I also worry about its writing constantly. To explain that I will tell you that this episode picks up six months after the end of last season which is something they’ve done each season. I appreciate that because it gives a real sense of time passing. People can look different due to other roles they’re working in the “Biz,” and it’s fine because time in their world has passed.

Jake and Holt are in Florida, and if you hate Florida, you’re in for a treat because they rip the hell out of the state. I too hate Florida, and so I loved every cruel joke at its expense. Therein lies the problem with this episode, though, it’s all Jake and Holt. Over the course of three, now four, seasons the actors have developed an incredible chemistry with each other. The jokes, even when expected, are hilarious because of their delivery. Good comedy starts with good writing but ends with better delivery (you could also argue that it doesn’t always need the writing).

The gist of the episode is that Jake is working the Figgis case while Holt is working at a mini-golf place. Holt discovers what Jake is doing and takes his files which forces Jake to take a job alongside him to make Holt’s life hell. They end up being recorded by a woman I can only describe as perfect TV white trash, and they have to convince her not to upload the video or reveal their location to Figgis.

Let’s ignore the convenient writing in that the woman didn’t have enough data left on her plan in order to instantly upload the video. And the fact that no one else caught it or uploaded it as well. All that aside it was a funny episode because it succeeded in showing how miserable these two life-long cops are without their jobs and for setting the stage for them to be thrown back into action.

Again, though, the problem is that it relies on Jake and Holt to carry the entire episode which they do and do easily. Making me wonder how the show will feel when the rest of the cast comes back. My biggest problem with last season is that it resolved the cliffhanger from the previous season within a few episodes. Then it hung out until the winter break and came back with the Figgis storyline. While this episode was quite funny, the majority of the third season was not. Which leads me to wonder if the cast is too big and the stories are being spread too thin.

I know that this review is more of a question about the series and where it’s heading and not so much about the episode. I think I pretty clearly summed up my feelings on the episode in the beginning. And yeah, it’s not the “correct” way to review, but I’m writing this from a place of a viewer that watches shows with a critical mind and wonders about these things. I don’t want to drop this show, but I’m not going to sit through another season like the last. This episode alone had more memorable jokes than anything I can remember about last season. It’ll be quite a while before I forget Holt talking about boobs being desirable because they were heavier or that he wasn’t able to delete the video on the phone because it’s not the same as his phone. There’s some Archer quotability to this episode and series, but it needs to be this strong every episode, not just at the beginning and end.

Score: 4/5

Brooklyn Nine-Nine S4 E.01 “Coral Palms – Part-1”

Review: The Good Place – E.01 “Pilot/Flying.”

Why a TV review? Because there’s a section for it and I always wanted to have more than just comics reviewed on the site. That and with all the new shows out I get curious and like to check them out. The Good Place stayed with me, but not for the right reasons. The premise is easy to sum, but the show actually takes seven minutes or so to get you to the answer. The afterlife isn’t what you thought it was and there only exists a “Good Place” and a “Bad Place.” Kristen Bell… sorry, Kristen Bell’s character Eleanor is a bad person that has been mistakenly put into the “Good Place.” For whatever reason, she reveals this to her soul mate, and he faces the dilemma of helping her become a good person or narcing her out. Pretty simple. Things go crazy when all the crap Eleanor talks on day one, suddenly come to life on day two. Now the clock is really ticking for her to be a good person.

I’ll start with the good things about The Good Place. The acting is solid. I don’t believe for one second that Ted Danson is actually a nice person, but since he’s gone grey everyone wants him to play “aged mentor” and he does it quite well. I still don’t believe that he’s a good person IRL. Bell is believable. She embodies the character and after the training wheels are taken off you no longer look at her and say, “Hey, that’s Kristen Bell.” Her character’s dedication to swearing is commendable and probably the only humorous thing about the show. To clarify, she can’t swear and is automatically made to say something in the place of swearing like “Fork” instead of “Fuck.” I have no such censor. It also looks wonderful. The set they’re using and will likely use to death, looks great. You want to be there it’s so joyously designed. The CGI doesn’t feel out of place and if used correctly could add a lot of humor in the future of the show.

Now for the bad. It has a concept that can’t last. Why? Because if she’s bad shit goes south quickly. That and the cliffhanger to the second part of the first episode reveals that someone knows she shouldn’t be there. Why they played that card instantly is beyond me. Back to the flawed concept. It’s like My Name Is Earl. Great show, but after the first season, you understood that it was going to be the same shit over and over. Earl messes up; we get a funny flashback; he makes amends. Same thing here only the flashbacks are pretty terrible. I felt like I was watching Samantha Who: Part 2, New Who, which is to say it’s the same flawed premise. Anything that hinges on a character overcoming their flaws quickly, rather than at a steady pace is never going to last. They’ve shot themselves in the foot with the rules of their own universe. Simply put, Bell’s character is only funny when breaking the rules and when she has to adapt and change it makes it less funny.

Bouncing back to the casting, I should mention that the supporting cast feels worthless. They can act, but right now they’re completely unnecessary to the story. Jameela Jamil’s character is given a lot, and I mean a lot of screen time, and she does absolutely nothing. You could tune out while she talks because none of it is useful to the story or her character. It is the epitome of filler dialogue.

My last point is nitpicky. The show opens with an explanation of sorts about “The Good Place” as it calls it because it’s trying to avoid religionist undertones. Ted Danson aka Michael, explains that all religions have it about 5% right. He goes on to make a terrible joke that breaks the logic of the world’s own rules later on, but that’s not the point I’m making. The problem is that after they blow off religion, they completely and totally do a Christian heaven, just with technology and no mention of God. I’m not offended by this, but it seems like if you’re going to say all religions were wrong, you should bring a stronger version of what’s “right.” Again, it’s me being nitpicky, but it seemed like a really odd way of calling it heaven without calling it heaven. Call it what it is and just be done with it since the title of your show is already pretty annoying.

If you watch this first, double episode, you may find it hard to make it to the end. I imagine they did that because they knew the first episode would chase people off. I almost didn’t finish it and wondered if I would make it to the end. While I enjoy Bell’s character, I really can’t stomach watching a show just for her while her character breaks the logic of their own show. That and comedy plays it safe for the most part waiting to be offensive or sexual in the flashbacks alone. I could just watch My Name is Earl if I wanted to see that again, but I don’t.

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The Good Place – E.01 “Pilot/Flying.” Director: Michael McDonald Writers: Michael Schur, Alan Yang

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Unboxing: Loot Anime – August 2016

Get back to school with this edition of Loot Anime, still an awkward name. Just embrace the "Crate" aspect of your business already Loot Business. See, "Crate Business" sounds much better. Anyway, the theme is school. High school. And if you can afford to get this, you're not in school. To be open, it's mostly crap this month. Like... really bad crap. If you skip watching, we won't blame you.

Unboxing: Loot Anime - July 2016

Just in the nick of time right! Well sit back as we unbox Anime Crate's goodies from July. The theme this month is "SQUADRON" and that means things like GATE, GUNDAM, ANTI-MAGIC ACADEMY and more!

Overall it was just an okay box. The shirt is thankfully not their usual heavy ass cotton, but the rest is just... meh. I mean who the hell wants a thick ass scarp in July? I hope the next one is better, but much like I did with Geek Fuel, I'm looking into other anime boxes to check out because this one is going for super mainstream items, but delivering the bottom of the barrel from those properties.

Unboxing: Loot Crate Lvl Up - July 2016

Whooo! Thought we weren't going to get this one which would have been a damn shame! This month's Loot Crate was great, but as always the Lvl Up add-on is just way better. There's more stuff from RICK AND MORTY, VOLTRON, FUTURAMA and more! Thank you for watching and hopefully these are just boring messes of vidoes... though I am still figuring out which setting work best on my new phone.

SDCC 2016: Shout! Factory Adapts Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues Into Weird Motion Comic Animation Thing

Having watched every Marvel one of these that Shout!Factory did... I will tell you right now that they're all terrible and just a motion comic that you have no control over. That and it's Dynamite so nothing suggests that this is going to be any better, but hey if you like that trailer then you'll be pleased to know that the "animation" will continue to move and look like that and the voice acting will be just as terrible. I wonder how many more announcements Dynamite has? I think this is going to drain their year for sure. From Dynamite:

Dynamite Entertainment and Red Sonja, LLC, are proud to announce that leading multi-platform entertainment company Shout! Factory has adapted the critically acclaimed Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues storyline written by Gail Simone (Batgirl, Secret Six) and illustrated by Walter Geovani (Vampirella, Witchblade) into a full-length animated feature. Measuring 72 minutes in length and featuring voice acting (including the talented Misty Lee of Ultimate Spider-Man), sound effects, and music, the Red Sonja film transforms the seminal, epic comic book series' artwork into a thrilling experience of motion and sound. The film is available in Blu-Ray and DVD formats on August 2, 2016.

In the Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues film, the crimson-tressed heroine intends to pay back a blood debt owed to the one man who has gained her respect... even if it means leading a doomed army to their certain deaths! Who is Dark Annisia, and how has this fearsome warrior accomplished what neither god nor demon has been able to do: force Sonja to her knees in surrender? An epic tale of blood, lust, and vengeance, Queen of Plagues takes the She-Devil with a Sword from the depths of her own grave to the heights of battlefield glory.

Writer Gail Simone says, "Red Sonja's my favorite character, and seeing my words and the dazzling art of Walter Geovani brought to life has been absolutely thrilling. It's just a big, fun, sexy, sweaty epic with the best sword and sorcery character of all time!"

"We were fortunate to work with Gail and Walter as they had an incredible run on Sonja that had incredible critical acclaim," says Nick Barrucci, Publisher and CEO of Dynamite. "That we could work with them to create this movie to reach a larger fan base is incredibly rewarding."

"Queen of Plagues is one of the best books we have ever put out," says Luke Lieberman, President of Red Sonja, LLC. "It is new canon. Gail and Walter did an amazing job, and Shout! Factory brought the pages to life!"

Shannon Kingston, voice actress on the film, says, "This was up there as one of my favorite acting roles! Getting to bring the words of the great Gail Simone to life was an honor and so much fun. Her writing is so relatable, and funny when it's called for! I'm hoping to do the next two books!"

Red Sonja, the She-Devil with a Sword, is a fictional character, based on a high-fantasy swords-and-sorcery heroine created by author Robert E. Howard and adapted to comics by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith in Conan the Barbarian #23 (1973). Her immense popularity led to solo appearances in Marvel Feature (1975) and a self-titled series in 1977. Red Sonja has become the archetypical female warrior of fantasy literature: fierce, capable, and stunningly beautiful. Since 2005, the character has had many successful ongoing series, miniseries, one-shot comics, and crossover appearances through publisher Dynamite Entertainment. The popularity of the character has led to a 1985 live-action feature film (starring Brigitte Nielsen) and appearances on merchandise including statues, busts, barware, t-shirts, and an upcoming video game.

Loot Anime Summer Sale - $10 off first crate featuring Anti-Magic Academy, Gate, Gundam & Arpeggio of Blue Steel

Hey you know I'm a bit Loot Crate guy around here. You might even find an unboxing video from the last one they sent out. If you've been wanting to try it out, well you can get $10 bucks off your first order this month if you use the code: GETSQUADRON. You only have until July 27th to use it so you might not want to sleep on this one.

We’ve assembled a Squadron of our favorite military themed anime and manga! Featuring the elite forces of Gate: Jieitai Kanochi nite, Kaku Tatakaeri , Mobile Suit Gundam, Anti-Magic Academy: The 35th Test Platoon and Arpeggio of Blue Steel, you'll find an assortment of gear in this crate including FOUR exclusive items!

Oh look... here's a video!

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Review: Mob Psycho 100 – E.01

If like me you were expecting to watch Mob Psycho 100 and enjoy something similar to One-Punch Man, then go ahead and lower those expectations. Did you do that? Okay… now lower them again. Frankly I was so put off by this first episode that I didn’t care to research the series to see when creator ONE began writing it. I kind of assume that it’s sometime before One-Punch Man because this isn’t nearly as polished as OPM. That’s not to say that the episode is terrible, but even if I didn’t have predisposed expectations that let me down, this was still a choppy, poorly paced first episode. It essentially begins at the end of the story, but we’re never told that. That’s my assumption based on the information. Mob is a high school boy that’s also a powerful physic. His family knows of his powers and may have their own? Not really sure on that one. Mob works for a fake physic who is supposed to be our source of comedy… and he is not. I didn’t laugh at one goddamn thing this character did and found him to be annoying. Actually what’s beyond annoying? Throw him past that and you might have an idea of just how unlikable this character is. He wasn’t the good kind of shitty, but rather the worst kind of shitty. He’s a one-trick pony and the trick never worked on me.

Mob exorcises ghosts which really seems like something that’s lucrative in Japan… I should look into that. After the insane display of his power we see a smaller showcase of it and then a larger showcase of it. We also learn from following Mob at school that he’s terrible at everything. School work, everything asked of him in gym class. Everything. Everything except for busting ghost’s asses.

The animation was tolerable. It has this really dated feel to it at times that I really couldn’t get into. That and there were so many classic visual gags that it really added to the date stamp that was firmly placed on this show. The exorcisms were okay, but after you see it once they really tone it down which shows how visually uninspiring it is.

The catch of this show, based on my guess, is that Mob will explode or be over powered when he reaches “100”. I assume there’s a very spoilerly synopsis out there because there always is for manga/anime, but I don’t really care to find it. Because this first episode really made me not care. I’ve seen other reviews for it praising it and I have to wonder: A) was the reviewer just hyped on One-Punch Man still; or B) was this their first experience with this type of humor? Because the humor was nothing new to me. I have seen similar and it wasn’t very good either. Bottom line, this wasn’t the hit I was expecting, but rather the stinker I wasn’t expecting. I'm not writing it off completely, but if this first episode is any indication of what's to come... I won't be watching for long.

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Mob Psycho 100 – E.01

Official Website

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Review: Servamp E.01

Going into this show I already knew it wouldn’t be for me, but curiosity gets the best of me when a new anime season premieres. I’ve found that by just trying everything you may find something you never thought you’d like. Didn’t happen this time unfortunately. The premise is geared towards a female audience and that’s definitely something to be appreciated. There certainly could be more animations geared towards different walks of life in the U.S. market, but that’s a different rant. Basically cute high school boy who hates indecision picks up what he thinks is a cat, which obviously isn’t a cat, only to have it turn into a cute vampire boy. When sunlight hits the vamp he turns back into a cat.

The odd ball pairing comes from their personality types. The normal boy does everything for everyone else because it’s a bother to have indecision, whereas the vamp doesn’t like to be bothered or excessively explain everything. In a way they’re the same, but at the opposite end of the spectrum.

They of course end up contracted together. At first temporarily when the normal kid says the vamp’s name after a half ass attempt of telling him not to. Then they become contracted when the normal kid gives the vamp his blood. They fight another vamp that attacks the kid’s friend and blah, blah it doesn’t make much sense because the vamp doesn’t know why people are attacking him and the other vamp’s master wants to kill everyone who doesn’t know him… which is logical… if you’re an anime.

The art is actually really good. For a bunch of pretty boys, the designs weren’t annoying and actually pretty iconic. The action was really good and easy to follow. There was decent blood, but it wasn’t too gory to cause it to be censored. Even the comedy was well handed. We’ll see if that becomes a distraction to the story, but it was amusing to see the vamp in cat size, but intentionally animated normally. Basically think of a super deformed version of the vamp.

The show isn’t terrible, but the setup is really forced. The characters are just lazy and so they end up together. Then when the second vampire shows up and causes mayhem and gives his reason why it’s a real head scratcher. Like it’s just incredibly dumb and really just there to force the two main characters together. The only good thing that might come from this is that with the setup out-of-the-way they can get on with some kind of story, but even that is half-heartedly. At times it feels more like the story is asking the audience which storyline they’d like to follow rather than making a decision and following it. But points for sledgehammering the title of the show into the episode.

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Servamp E.01

Official Site

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Review: Masou Gakuen HxH – E.01

At this point it almost seems as if there needs to be one really heavy-handed fan service show per season. That said, Masou Gakuen HxH is that show this season. I mean I knew just from the promo image it would be, but I had no idea to the extent it would go. Hell, Crunchyroll even has it uncensored so you can see all the nipply goodness that the show has to offer. Because that’s all it has to offer.

The premise to Masou Gakuen would make The Testament of Sister New Devil blush if that gives you any indication. If you liked either season of Sister New Devil (poorly translated by the way) then you’ll be happy to know that Masou Gakuen is from the same studio!

The story is seriously just a combination of The Testament of Sister New Devil and Sky Wizards Academy. That is to say, there’s CG aliens attacking the last remains of humanity and only three women having their breasts, butts and hey nows can save the day. It’s also I guess similar to Hundred which I hated last season, but clearly had a lot of fan service because the show did quite well in the ratings.

As for the actual episode… whoever put this fucker together clearly only cared about maximizing breast exposure. We open in the “love room” which is like a fucking holodeck for this dude to rub the girls down. We have zero context, just that when he goes for the booty it fills her suit and she goes back to fighting shitty looking CG aliens. Then it’s the next girls turn.

And then we flash back to the dude as a kid being told he’s useless by his sister… or mom. I don’t know. I don’t care. That rolls us into the beginning of the actual fucking story as he’s of course showing up for his first day of school after being contacted by his sister. Which, I guess it’s his sister even though she’s at least a two decades older than him in the flashback and hasn’t aged at all in the present day. We see all our main characters just walking around and shit and then there’s an attack on the school. Dude for some reason just keeps chilling where he is and watches the silver hair chick fight. She of course gets injured and he saves her. His sister calls him and tells him to get to rubbing. Did I mention there was a battle going on? He rubs and rubs and wouldn’t you know it, after he basically eats her out… fully charged suit! Oh, because the suits are some representation of the heart and of course the heart only wants to bang.

The animation is great of course. With the exception of the CG. The CG is just terrible and I don’t get why any show ever would do both. No one, and I mean no one wants both. People that watch animation will enjoy one or the other, but never both. I can say that definitively because a certain personality type watches animation past childhood and none of us what to see three meshing with two. The fan service is well done. This is the best non-hentai, hentai you’ll see.

Now as a straight white dude, I know it seems questionable that I would complain about a show that is purely fan service. Maybe Prison School and High School DxD has corrupted me into believing that you can actually have a story and fan service. I somewhat enjoyed the first season of The Testament of Sister New Devil, but the second season found a way to spend time rubbing girls than moving the story along which really killed the story for me. I couldn’t finish the season because of it and I figured if I wanted to just see the fan service part I would just find one of the many sites dedicated to showing you it all in its glorious uncensored version. I have zero expectations for this show. If I watch another episode it will be to see how much more it can get away with because there is no story. There’s not even a glimmer of a chance of a story here. And that’s too bad because as I pointed out, you can have story and fan service, you just have to be a talented creator and clearly that’s not the case here.

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Masou Gakuen HxH – E.01

Official Site

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Review: Kill Zone 2

I was more than surprised by this movie. After being disappointed by not one but five action flicks, Kill Zone 2 not only delivered on the story, but on the visuals as well. I don’t know if we have The Raid to thank for an increased awareness in Asian cinema when it comes to film/digital quality, but if so… thank you Raid.

Not to get all "back in my day," but when I first got into Asian cinema during college, the thing that I really liked was that the film quality was really good. Then there was a bit of a bust and every studio went back to cheap looking film. Clearly technology has gotten cheaper and so the quality of movies has gone up as well. I know this all seems unimportant to the review, but when you see Kill Zone 2 it looks like it was produced in Hollywood. In particular, there is one scene involving a phone falling into the water and the way it looks when it’s falling is actually quite beautiful and metaphoric.

The story is layered quite well. It spans from Hong Kong to Bangkok and gives each city’s actors their fair share of screen time. Though I will instantly tell you that that means that Tony Jaa never really “goes off” in the movie until the very end.

The story is basically two fold. There’s a human trafficking ring that the Hong Kong police are trying to shut down by sending in an undercover cop. He’s hooked on smack, but getting the job done. The kidnapping ring as they call it, is run by a rich sick dude in Hong Kong who funnels the people out to a prison run by one of his operatives in Bangkok. The sick dude needs a heart and decides that if his brother isn’t going to give him his, he’s going to take it by force. This is where the undercover cop comes into play as he’s invited to his first kidnapping.

Tony Jaa works at the prison, but he’s naïve to what really going on there. His daughter is sick and he’s basically just keeping his head down and trying to find her a bone marrow transplant that matches. Eventually, the undercover cop ends up in the prison after being exposed. Now he’s collateral for the rich dude to get his brother released to him.

As I said, the story is layered and there’s more layers that I won’t reveal to you. They are clever and while at times they feel conveniently added to the story, when you really look at them and look at the way they’re included you’ll find that it’s anything but convenient. You will spend some of the movie wondering when the other shoe will drop and the way that they reveal it was anything but typical. It was handled incredibly well and so there’s some major kudos to the writer of the movie.

For any martial arts film you need impressive bad guys. Obviously the sick rich dude isn’t going to throw down, but he surrounds himself with two awesome fighters that are both given great scenes to showcase their skills before their final battles. The setup is typical, but its executed so well. The Warden in particular had an awesome look. Seeing him fight in an expensive tailored suit was actually pretty incredible. As for the other fighter, I don’t want to spoil it. You’ll know him when you see him.

Really my one and only gripe is that Tony Jaa wasn’t given enough solo fight time. I mean he has a couple of moments when he goes off, but in large part it felt a bit like a Jackie Chan movie in which there’s only a handful of scenes in which he’s actually fighting. Which is actually good. I have to admit that it was a stronger movie and made Jaa come off as a stronger actor because of it. He’s leaps and bounds better than his first movies and is on his way to being an even bigger international name. That and if I really need to see more fighting from him I could go watch Ong Bak.

Wu Jing also does some great martial arts in the film. I really have no idea if he’s trained at all. He might have some training, but for the most part everyone he fights makes him look really good. They sell his moves for him so even if he isn’t trained in martial arts, he’s presented as knowing quite a bit. He also carries the other half of the movie for the most part and shows why he’s getting more and more roles. I actually became a bit of a fan of his after seeing this movie. Especially after a scene in the hospital that I won’t spoil for you because it’s really emotional.

Kill Zone 2 isn’t perfect. There’s a few spots that could have used another pass to really make it great, but it’s probably the best movie from the East that I’ve seen a couple of years. I enjoyed the story and the care that was used in layering it from beginning to end. The visuals were extremely impressive and the fighting was memorable and reinvigorated my desire to see more martial art films. And best of all, I have no clue if it had anything to do with Kill Zone 1 and didn’t need to know in order to enjoy this film.

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Kill Zone 2

Director: Soi Cheang

Distributor: Well Go USA

Price: $24.98

Format: Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital

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Review: Chronicles of the Ghostly Tribe

Last year I got back into Asian cinema after taking a pretty long break from it. Like most things that I nerd out about, they rotate in and out of my life catching my interest at different times. If I didn’t run a comic website,  this would have already happened a few times with comic books as well. I didn’t see anything that was really worth a damn last year and almost fell out of interest as quickly as I fell in.

Chronicles of the Ghostly Tribe was a step in the right direction for me. It reminded me of a lot of action intense films that I first watched when getting into Hong Kong cinema. Heavy on the CGI, interesting concept, but not a very deep story. One thing that Ghostly Tribe has going for it is the fact that it has a cast that can act.

The story is spread out across several years, but it starts in the 70s as a special expedition is exploring a cave that’s producing some interesting skeletons. After an explosion is triggered, an even smaller expedition is gathered to venture beyond the cave. They end up finding large animal prints and continuing their journey to follow it. Along the way they run into danger. Over and over until there’s only four of them left. Hu Bayi, Ping Yang, her father Professor Yang and another dude who is protecting Hu Bayi as much as he can. They find an alien created cave and shit gets weirder. Eventually only three make it out and they’re scattered to the wind until an event brings them back together.

What’s really actually interesting about the story is that it’s a big monster movie hidden behind history and aliens. The three play well together as writer/director Lu Chuan not only creates a very convincing secret history for China, but then sneaks in aliens and monsters. The pacing of the story is pretty typical of Hong Kong cinema. There’s a lot going on in the beginning, then it slows down in the middle and speeds up at the end. It’s not bad when you consider that Hong Kong/China cinema follows its own storytelling structure. There is a scene at the end that basically reveals why we saw everything at the beginning and it actually works. If most other movies did that you’d be upset that they waited to tell you the point of everything right at the end, but really the rest of the movie stands on its own and if it weren’t setting up a series of movies/stories then this scene wouldn’t even be needed.

The acting again is actually really good. I only had a problem with the type cast fat guys since one of them is nicknamed “Fatty” and it was just the most overplayed gag ever. He was still a good actor and he never went over the top with the “funny fat friend” role, but it was still kind of disappointing to see that they’re still writing that character after all these years. I mean Hollywood is still doing it so I shouldn’t be that surprised, but still disappointing none the less because his weight never needed to be brought up and he actually served as a well-balanced supporting character.

The cinematography and CGI were the strongest aspects of the film. The film looks great from start to finish, I couldn't get over how great it looked. I don’t know why, but even though it was obviously CGI, it matched the world and looked better than a lot of CGI I've seen in American films lately. And there was a ton of it. The monsters, the caves, hell there’s even a scene in which a library is recreated in CGI and in the moment it’s very convincing. There was a great deal of attention paid to the CGI, especially when the monsters were running amok. At one point, a monster claws several seats on a bus and the rips appear in CGI. It’s a small detail, but I can’t tell you how many movies I’ve seen where they missed stuff like that. It gave the impression that this movie was given the time it needed to be the best version of itself possible.

That’s not to say that the film is perfect. One problem I had was actually on the back of the box in which the synopsis incorrectly states the story ends up in Modern Day New York. I only caught this part since it’s bold and in large print so I kind of wondered when the movie was going to jump to the modern era. It never did. It spans several years, but the story intentionally stays in the past and it definitely doesn’t go to New York. Another gripe if you will, is that in the closing scenes of the movie it sets the story up for a strange sequel in which our main character must look for another character, one that I had zero interest in finding. It was a bit of a head-scratcher as to why another movie would be dedicated to finding this “B” list character, but hey, not my movie.

My last “issue” with the film isn’t really an issue because I don’t know enough about the director’s vision. It’s tough to say if he was trying to capture an era in Chinese history accurately or if he was simply encouraged to put the material in the film. That is to say there’s quite a few scenes that I can only describe as propaganda due to the hokey nature of the material and the fact that everyone takes it seriously and never questions it. Again, tough to say if it was just being historically accurate or if it was imposed on the movie in some way. Since I don’t know, I definitely don’t want to assume, but it’s worth noting.

At its core, Chronicles of the Ghostly Tribe is a popcorn flick. It’s not going to open our mind or make you feel a wide range of emotions. It delivers on the action and intensity and so I’ll be rating it on that. On being a really enjoyable and fun action movie that I might actually watch again and even more so watch the sequel too, even if I don’t care about the character they’re searching for.

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Chronicles of the Ghostly Tribe

Writer/Director: Lu Chuan

Distributor: Well Go USA

Price: $24.98

Format: DVD/Blu-Ray/Digital

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Unboxing: Loot Anime x Crunchyroll - June 2016

We have another Loot Anime unboxing from Loot Crate. This is the June box in which they teamed up with Crunchyroll to curate the box if you will. Now that you've watched the video I'll give you my honest thoughts... it's an okay box. The thing is, I'm not into either anime that was featured so it's kind of meh. That and I don't need any more Nintendo items thank you very much Loot Crate. I get that Nintendo is easy to work with and they merchandise like crazy, but I've gotten something Nintendo related every month, sometimes twice since starting this experiment. I will likely never wear the shirt, but I will read the manga. That was the best thing provided in the box. Here's some pictures to round out my review.

Jeepers! It's a Daphne Cosplay

For too long we've been given "hot" Velma cosplay... well KristenKoul says no more... here's hot Daphne to shake things up. Great pictures by Paul Beard Photography too.

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Source

Titan Is Turning The Raid Into A Comic

I love Raid and Raid 2. They're great martial arts/action movies. They have a little bit of every action genre and that's what makes the great. They do not have great stories. The story is very simple and generic. There were massive improvements for the second film, but nothing that I would shit my pants to see in a comic book. I'm not excited about this. It will all depend on the art, but for the most part what makes Raid work is that it's a movie. I don't know why Titan is only going for licensed properties lately, but it's really not appealing to me anymore. From Titan Comics:

Titan Comics are thrilled to announce that The Raid is punching its way into comic books, in late 2016. Titan is working closely with the director Gareth Evans (The Raid, The Raid 2) and XYZ Films to develop all-new stories featuring characters from the series.

Premiering in 2011, Indonesian martial-arts movie The Raid (also known as The Raid: Redemption) sent pulses racing at the Toronto International Film Festival and secured unanimous critical praise, rocketing to cult film status across the world. 

The movie captured audiences with its boundary-pushing, inventive choreography and piston-pumping narrative where a lone, isolated SWAT team are trapped by a ruthless mobster and his army of killers and thugs inside a tenement block, and they have to fight through to the top.

Directed by Gareth Evans and produced by PT. Merantau Films and XYZ Films, the high-octane franchise has garnered great success since its release. The first film had 10 nominations at the 2012 Maya Awards. It was followed, in 2014, by The Raid 2, which featured the character of Rama returning to battle against corruption in his own police force.

“At Titan we’re thrilled to be publishing The Raid comic books,” said editor Martin Eden. “Gareth is a visionary and a huge talent. It’s a pleasure to work with him on developing his characters for the comic book page. We promise to deliver the same thrilling, fifth-gear adrenaline that fans have come to expect from the franchise.”

Titan’s The Raid comics are set to debut soon. Look out for more announcements about the creative team shortly.

Unboxing: Loot Crate - June 2016

Welcome back to another ComicBastards.com Loot Crate unboxing video! This time we have June's Dystopian Future box along with the LvLUp addition. Finally the stars aligned and we were able to make just one video for you viewing pleasure. Watch before reading the rest or it won't make sense. I'll be straight up with you all, this month's box sucked. So did the LvLUp bag that I usually enjoy. There was one good pair of socks. The Star Trek ones turned out to be for women which is cool for them, but not for me and my big ass feet. The shirts were... not good. The Ghostbuster one sucked and is way too thick. The District 9 one is fine, but it really seems obscure like they were just looking for something and the Robocop one is cool, but I'm already getting annoying comments about it being from Loot Crate. Meaning I'm going to rarely wear it if ever.

Oh and the Matrix Puzzle... no one wanted that. Couldn't give it away unlike Loot Crate who did.

Here's some pictures as well.

Video: Hero of the Month: Harley Quinn | Episode 205 | DC Super Hero Girls

Okay... we all know why I'm posting this. Its that image they used for the video. I'm not going to say it because it's a children's cartoon, but come on. Someone knew what the fuck they were doing when they picked that image. From DC Comics:

[su_quote]Harley Quinn stars in this week’s DC Super Hero Girls animated short as Super Hero High’s newest “Hero of the Month.” Debuting today on the DC Super Hero Girls website, the all-new episode unveils the most heroic (and wacky!) good deeds that earn the Crown Princess of Crime this prestigious honor.[/su_quote]